posted by Shim on Monday, 22 June 2009.
It all started with caramel apples.
Now what would taste better than a naturally sweet, crispy apple? How about one that's covered in caramel, which is confectionary sugar with brown food coloring! That's what!
Caramel apples are like mankind's way of saying, "Nice try, Nature, but not quite. We've got it from here. We're going to add sugar to this foodstuff we plucked from the branches of one of your trees. And then we'll sell them in plastic-encased three-packs, year-round, although mostly before Halloween. You didn't think of that, Nature." I'm paraphrasing.
Then it was candy corn. Candy corn is like mankind's way of saying, "Remember the caramel apple? Well, we're going to do that with corn, except that we're not even going to use corn. Just candy, in the shape of corn (sort of). Sure, this is even more closely associated with Halloween than caramel apples, but that's OK. Halloween generates two billion dollars a year. How much do you earn, Nature?"
Then there was the banana-shaped Runt from Willy Wonka's Fruit Runts, which was mankind's way of saying, "We're going to create a candy that sort of tastes like Nature, and sort of looks like Nature, but is extremely small and might be a choking hazard to pets."
Then there was candy that just pretended to taste like something natural, but didn't try to be in the shape of it at all: Fuit Roll-Ups. That was mankind's way of saying, "This is flat and sticky."
Then there was the flat and sticky thing that wasn't edible: Tar Paper. Mankind seemed to say, "Hey, here's some paper with tar on it. Make a roof to protect against Nature. If you get hungry while you're roofing, have some Runts."
Then there was salad dressing, which was mankind's way of saying, "I don't even need a salad. I'm just going to eat dressing."
Then science had a miracle breakthrough: The first cloned food. That was mankind's way of saying, "We still need you, Nature, but not as much as we used to."
Then there was a great silence, because Nature's feelings were hurt. Because (twist ending) Nature is a person! Just call me N. Might Shimlan. Ha, ha. Just kidding. Shim is fine.
It must be snack time, because Nature's calling… my telephone!